Grieving is not a weakness

I was in the ladies when I thought, wow I have made quite a progress with letting go of this dear colleague friend that I thought I had. I haven’t yet made it though that grieving process as yet and BOOM! another one has come and I think that this one is starting a different way around. Before I tell you my grieving stories, I liked this pic that I got from google when I looked for grieving images.

griefandgod

I was talking to friend on the phone last week when she told me that she has learnt that it’s not every person that you know that is your friend, I kinda rolled my eyes at her but I am glad she’s learnt this lesson. She was telling me about a friend of hers that has just decided to not to talk to her/ avoid her for no apparent reason and I told her my story…

I landed in this town over a year ago and I knew no one, I needed to make friends and I unfortunately made one wrong friend. A year later I had to admit to me that the friend that I thought I had does not consider me as a friend and I don’t think we are even compatible. I mean we don’t even like the same things, our values don’t even come close… *I won’t bore you with the details*  Then the grieving process commenced.

I was in denial for a very long while, perhaps it was the longest, more than a year. I tried to even buy our friend, now that I think about it, by giving her gifts.  I’m going to kinda relate myself to the diagram below:

The-5-stages-of-grief1-e1373497045473

Now that I know that grieving is a process and understand that I grieve very often than I realised. Another realisation is that one can dwell for years in denial, after denial the second home that you might consider buying cash and have the title deed written on your name is bargaining. Amazing how one can go to depression and back to denial, does that only happen to me?

So this is what happened, I denied that I was not her friend for a very long time and chose to be like her somehow. You know, perhaps she might fall in love with me if we share interests. SO while in deep denial I kept seeing all the things that I didn’t agree with that this dear friend of mine did but hey, I denied it – after all I was in denial. I wanted to build her to be a better person, I tend to do this more often that I care to remember – I take people on as projects (not aware that I’m doing this), I even spend money building these people, because I believe that I an not a quitter.

The most amazing thing about grief is that you do things unaware, the fact that I bottled lots of issues up until I was ready to explode, which is my normal tendency. My explosion is not as loud as my happiness though, when I’m really upset I don’t shout I go lock myself in the kitchen,is this even possible, and knead a perfect dough, others get punch bags I get flour and other ingredients and knead.
I’M ANGRY.
I don’t talk, I care more than I ever did but I will not say a word to anyone. I just need to find someone or something to confide in and then I will hop to the next stage in the process.

I am a very forgiving person by nature, I can’t stay angry for long – I heard my mum telling my aunt this while I was still very young. I might have been twelve and was busy sulking over something, or was it someone and I heard her say “she’s[me] very short tempered but she’s very forgiving”. I think that’s when she programmed me to be like this, or was I always like this – I’m Libra, check my characteristics.

I don’t remember bargaining after I lost my friend but for the past week or so I’ve been depressed- my heart would leap as though my insides moved up every time I hear her voice or see her. I was not able to look at her in the eyes for a while, I still can’t allow our eyes to meet because I think she will see my pain and I don’t want anyone to know if they’ve hurt me. But part of me has come to the point of accepting that we cannot and will not be friends, I don’t want to hate her or ignore her but that special place she had in my heart should be gone soon.

The aim of my post was not to write about grieving process but was to relate my story. if anyone learns from it, then I’m happy.

We are all human, we are not the same.

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