What is keeping me standing?

I have been asking myself how am i standing to this day when i’m suppose to have fallen a long time ago.

Hope keeps me going. Wine helps me fall asleep. God is my pillar of strength.

Being an impatient person that I thought I was, I have suprised myself to find that there is lots of patience that dwells within me than I would have ever imagined. I unfortunately cannot say the same with my temper though.

In the past weeks I have had to surrender and seek the help of a psychotherapist. Yes I am educated and all but in my life I’d promised myself that I would never ever go for psychotherapy no matter what. However my life was falling apart and I could not hold it together any longer.
I went for my first session, it did not heal me but helped me see the light at the end of the turnel. I even learnt that I suffer from the rare disorder called DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder) and and and.

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My 30th Year Wishes

Turning 30 in 90 days and I’m so excited, actually looking forward to see what the next 10 years in the 30 has in store for me❤️. The past almost 30 years have been everything that I never imagined they would be when we had a pr-exist meeting with the Father. He didn’t give anything away actually he just told me that I am going to make it come anything He has got my back. Let me not brag.

Some of my friends also turning 30 soon are very anxious but I ain’t anxious about nothing, I am great full for everything and don’t be fooled it’s not a walk in the park, it’s actually a mountain climb. I am greatful though😊. I have a lot to show and I believe there is no limits to God’s blessings for me.

I need to start with the planning because my oh my I want those good things, I want those lovely gifts from people who love me and whom I also love. I actually want beautiful teasers because I am so I love with my tea. I want shoes, I want massages, I want abakhongi, I want car keys, I want house keys and the cellphone password. I want it all. Now!

Here’s to lifetime of love, fun, joy and lessons🥂🍾🍾 

Inspire me 2sday

Like with everything I attempt I don’t spend enough time to learn, understand and enjoy things. We all taken aback by change and we respond in different ways either fight or flight. I enjoy changing so much that I don’t mind changing constantly.

I’m at the peak of my career at the moment and am enjoying every moment of it. I am learning new things about myself everyday and adopting better ways to do things. I thank God for that one guy who reminded me of the power that I have. I face new and old challenges daily and no day or week is the same as the other.

On the other hand I am more involved in church, recently joined the reception department and there I am learning about serving.

I am still a mommy.  Was hoping to start my own small business next month but there is no time. I want the son to come stay with me. 

I still love my blog and will commit to write at least once a week. 
Love

Samke

Brain at work

Many are says we sit and tell each other that we want to leave a legacy for our generation when we no longer around so they will not have to start from nothing like we did. But action dololo, you get to 40 and you own car better than your parents but otherwise you are a worker and dependent on your salary. 
So today while the other kids are outside playing remember June 16, I’m sitting here doing some research on how I can make extra money. For me it’s not much about money but more about having some kind of business. Whole others are busy with amabhanoyi (pyramid schemes) – I’m looking at a different market and plan not to rob people. It might lead to restless weekends, but hey NandSam(Lelo) has been an idea for a very long time we getting it started today.
My brain is working overtime that I’m even getting a headache. I need to get me a cup of tea, because I’m staying away from coffee and I need the energy.

HAPPY YOUTH DAY

Grieving is not a weakness

I was in the ladies when I thought, wow I have made quite a progress with letting go of this dear colleague friend that I thought I had. I haven’t yet made it though that grieving process as yet and BOOM! another one has come and I think that this one is starting a different way around. Before I tell you my grieving stories, I liked this pic that I got from google when I looked for grieving images.

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I was talking to friend on the phone last week when she told me that she has learnt that it’s not every person that you know that is your friend, I kinda rolled my eyes at her but I am glad she’s learnt this lesson. She was telling me about a friend of hers that has just decided to not to talk to her/ avoid her for no apparent reason and I told her my story…

I landed in this town over a year ago and I knew no one, I needed to make friends and I unfortunately made one wrong friend. A year later I had to admit to me that the friend that I thought I had does not consider me as a friend and I don’t think we are even compatible. I mean we don’t even like the same things, our values don’t even come close… *I won’t bore you with the details*  Then the grieving process commenced.

I was in denial for a very long while, perhaps it was the longest, more than a year. I tried to even buy our friend, now that I think about it, by giving her gifts.  I’m going to kinda relate myself to the diagram below:

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Now that I know that grieving is a process and understand that I grieve very often than I realised. Another realisation is that one can dwell for years in denial, after denial the second home that you might consider buying cash and have the title deed written on your name is bargaining. Amazing how one can go to depression and back to denial, does that only happen to me?

So this is what happened, I denied that I was not her friend for a very long time and chose to be like her somehow. You know, perhaps she might fall in love with me if we share interests. SO while in deep denial I kept seeing all the things that I didn’t agree with that this dear friend of mine did but hey, I denied it – after all I was in denial. I wanted to build her to be a better person, I tend to do this more often that I care to remember – I take people on as projects (not aware that I’m doing this), I even spend money building these people, because I believe that I an not a quitter.

The most amazing thing about grief is that you do things unaware, the fact that I bottled lots of issues up until I was ready to explode, which is my normal tendency. My explosion is not as loud as my happiness though, when I’m really upset I don’t shout I go lock myself in the kitchen,is this even possible, and knead a perfect dough, others get punch bags I get flour and other ingredients and knead.
I’M ANGRY.
I don’t talk, I care more than I ever did but I will not say a word to anyone. I just need to find someone or something to confide in and then I will hop to the next stage in the process.

I am a very forgiving person by nature, I can’t stay angry for long – I heard my mum telling my aunt this while I was still very young. I might have been twelve and was busy sulking over something, or was it someone and I heard her say “she’s[me] very short tempered but she’s very forgiving”. I think that’s when she programmed me to be like this, or was I always like this – I’m Libra, check my characteristics.

I don’t remember bargaining after I lost my friend but for the past week or so I’ve been depressed- my heart would leap as though my insides moved up every time I hear her voice or see her. I was not able to look at her in the eyes for a while, I still can’t allow our eyes to meet because I think she will see my pain and I don’t want anyone to know if they’ve hurt me. But part of me has come to the point of accepting that we cannot and will not be friends, I don’t want to hate her or ignore her but that special place she had in my heart should be gone soon.

The aim of my post was not to write about grieving process but was to relate my story. if anyone learns from it, then I’m happy.

We are all human, we are not the same.

My Daughter’s Story

It’s 7:22pm and I’m lying in bed listening to audio books because my daughter is in the lounge watching cartoons  (she’s been watching from morning) and I can’t stand them. I wonder how other mothers do it cause I honestly am the worse mother I know. I always see how much mummies get along with their daughters while me and my daughter only have very formal conversations as though I’m talking to one of my staffers. I don’t know if I love my daughter or not but as a caring person that I am, I know I care about her a whole lot.

I fell in love with an ideal guy that you can’t help but beg Jesus to help your relationship with this person grows to happily ever after. I was 19, he was 24 – eager to finish my diploma and go work and be independent. Funny how I never envisaged working in public sector in Maritzburg, but that’s another story. He was good looking, born again Christian,  the best temptation I needed at the time.

I  stayed in Res and I’d been in a hidden perfect relationship while everyone had it hard on their relationships.  I was even doing well in school and had all the freedom from being away from parents. I met him in April 2007, at the mall having gone there to fix my cellphone. Tiny body, light in complexion, perfectly combed hair. Very neat with a seductive voice. I liked what I saw but I was not interested.

We dated, and because of indlala  (hunger) at res anyone who brought food became residential favorite and so my groupies were routing for Ali. Oh but he loved me (or at least I think he did) for that short while, I’m not sure what he saw in me but he was taken. I had to leave the 18 month perfect relationship I was in 😢😢 and fly away with him. He’s the only guy I could recall taking me out for birthday lunch. He bought me a yellow gold watch (I hate yellow gold) I was forced to take because it was a gift. The honeymoon was short lived because 3 months later I was pregnant. I told him, he left after telling me to get rid of it. I loved him as though I  was bewitched, could possibly do anything to make him stay.

I was in denial of my pregnancy for almost 3 months and refused to believe that he’d left me.

It was end of the year, I  couldn’t stay at res any longer. I had to go home and face my mom an she did not take shit. I  was in trouble, didn’t know what tomorrow brought for me and no one knew what I was going through  (I didn’t know either). I was depressed but soldiered on. Ma was disappointed but she became very supportive. I  was scared to receive my exam results because I was certain that I  failed but by God’s grace I passed all my modules.

I went back for my final year of study towards my diploma, heavily pregnant that I was not even supposed to be allowed back at res but hey I had to take the risk. I couldn’t afford to rent a flat and had to finish my diploma and go be independent and successful.

He was around but nowhere to be seen by me. I missed him, I needed him. I was still willing to give anything for him to come back. He was gone, he had moved on and was dating another girl at res💔. I had to grow fast and strong.

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I gave birth to a 3.05kg baby at 5:45am on Saturday 3 May 2008. She was beautiful but looked a lot less like me than she did like him. I enjoyed being pregnant. I would talk to my baby while she was still in there and it would be like she understood me. I had no complications at pregnancy and at birth.  I had grown up. At 20 I had naturally given birth to my first baby.

I think my parents decided without consulting with me that I will not parent this child. 5 days after my baby was born , I had to go back and finish my diploma and leave her behind. I returned to see her every weekend.  Took her for immunisation and wanted to experience how it is to be a mother. But before I knew it ma had taken the full responsibility of being mum and it’s like I was told to go play outside with other kids.

I started working and never stopped or looked back. I was a Inservice Trainee and got paid R700+ when I finished my in service training after 6 weeks. I managed to purchase all the things that my baby needed. I trusted my mother to mother my daughter and I became her father. I lost the bond that we had created before she was born because she was bonding with her gogo. It’s been 8 years and nothing has changed. She sees me as a provider and gogo deserving all the love.

I know my daughter loves me and I love her too. I have been told thousand times how I’m “supposed” to mother her as if I can just get into character and crack it. I am not pretentious and I fail to do what people expect or tell me to do.

We’ve been staying together for more than a year now and it’s getting better. We’ve found a good school for her and have developed some sort of routine for us.

A Chance to Introduce Myself

 

 

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Hi

Weird, whom am I greeting.

I’m pleased to be able to reintroduce myself.

My full name is Samukelisiwe Dube, better known as Samu/ Samke.

A happy, caring, smart and crazy person. Beautiful and Zulu bodied.

A mother of 2, son(2) and daughter (8).

HR Professional, currently working as HR Manager for one of thriving companies in South Africa.

I enjoying reading anything that is worth a read- that is books, newspapers, magazines, blogs, etc.

 

My blog is personal and contains my thoughts.