It’s 7:22pm and I’m lying in bed listening to audio books because my daughter is in the lounge watching cartoons (she’s been watching from morning) and I can’t stand them. I wonder how other mothers do it cause I honestly am the worse mother I know. I always see how much mummies get along with their daughters while me and my daughter only have very formal conversations as though I’m talking to one of my staffers. I don’t know if I love my daughter or not but as a caring person that I am, I know I care about her a whole lot.
I fell in love with an ideal guy that you can’t help but beg Jesus to help your relationship with this person grows to happily ever after. I was 19, he was 24 – eager to finish my diploma and go work and be independent. Funny how I never envisaged working in public sector in Maritzburg, but that’s another story. He was good looking, born again Christian, the best temptation I needed at the time.
I stayed in Res and I’d been in a hidden perfect relationship while everyone had it hard on their relationships. I was even doing well in school and had all the freedom from being away from parents. I met him in April 2007, at the mall having gone there to fix my cellphone. Tiny body, light in complexion, perfectly combed hair. Very neat with a seductive voice. I liked what I saw but I was not interested.
We dated, and because of indlala (hunger) at res anyone who brought food became residential favorite and so my groupies were routing for Ali. Oh but he loved me (or at least I think he did) for that short while, I’m not sure what he saw in me but he was taken. I had to leave the 18 month perfect relationship I was in 😢😢 and fly away with him. He’s the only guy I could recall taking me out for birthday lunch. He bought me a yellow gold watch (I hate yellow gold) I was forced to take because it was a gift. The honeymoon was short lived because 3 months later I was pregnant. I told him, he left after telling me to get rid of it. I loved him as though I was bewitched, could possibly do anything to make him stay.
I was in denial of my pregnancy for almost 3 months and refused to believe that he’d left me.
It was end of the year, I couldn’t stay at res any longer. I had to go home and face my mom an she did not take shit. I was in trouble, didn’t know what tomorrow brought for me and no one knew what I was going through (I didn’t know either). I was depressed but soldiered on. Ma was disappointed but she became very supportive. I was scared to receive my exam results because I was certain that I failed but by God’s grace I passed all my modules.
I went back for my final year of study towards my diploma, heavily pregnant that I was not even supposed to be allowed back at res but hey I had to take the risk. I couldn’t afford to rent a flat and had to finish my diploma and go be independent and successful.
He was around but nowhere to be seen by me. I missed him, I needed him. I was still willing to give anything for him to come back. He was gone, he had moved on and was dating another girl at res💔. I had to grow fast and strong.
I gave birth to a 3.05kg baby at 5:45am on Saturday 3 May 2008. She was beautiful but looked a lot less like me than she did like him. I enjoyed being pregnant. I would talk to my baby while she was still in there and it would be like she understood me. I had no complications at pregnancy and at birth. I had grown up. At 20 I had naturally given birth to my first baby.
I think my parents decided without consulting with me that I will not parent this child. 5 days after my baby was born , I had to go back and finish my diploma and leave her behind. I returned to see her every weekend. Took her for immunisation and wanted to experience how it is to be a mother. But before I knew it ma had taken the full responsibility of being mum and it’s like I was told to go play outside with other kids.
I started working and never stopped or looked back. I was a Inservice Trainee and got paid R700+ when I finished my in service training after 6 weeks. I managed to purchase all the things that my baby needed. I trusted my mother to mother my daughter and I became her father. I lost the bond that we had created before she was born because she was bonding with her gogo. It’s been 8 years and nothing has changed. She sees me as a provider and gogo deserving all the love.
I know my daughter loves me and I love her too. I have been told thousand times how I’m “supposed” to mother her as if I can just get into character and crack it. I am not pretentious and I fail to do what people expect or tell me to do.
We’ve been staying together for more than a year now and it’s getting better. We’ve found a good school for her and have developed some sort of routine for us.